Virtually anyone can be a Republican, though helps if you lack a brain and a heart. But to be a Real Republican
requires contortionate logic and brass balls. Do you qualify? (This was written in and around 2000.)
Do you think Bill Clinton committed an impeachable felony by lying about his sex life, but that the lies (and
actions) of Ronald Reagan, George Bush and all of their security staff about selling advanced weapons to Iranian
terrorists in order to fund the murder of thousands of Nicaraguans are admirable?
Did you believe Reagan, that fanatic Nicaraguan armies were hours away from Nowheresville, Texas?
Do you think Cuba is a monstrous dictatorship, but Saudi Arabia is a benign traditional society?
Do you think defending peace or human rights in the Balkans is a stupid Clintonian misapplication of American
forces, but an open-ended war on Iraq to keep the oil flowing makes sense?
Do you think research spending on new energy sources and conservation of existing ones is a tree-hugger plot,
but that it makes sense to send hundreds of thousands of soldiers and billions of dollars in supplies thousands
of miles away to regain the control of one oil patch for one unpleasant group of dictators from another?
Did you forget that the Bush administration armed Iraq and authorized its invasion of Kuwait?
Do you think that George Bush and Dick Cheney and Colin Powell leaving Sadaam Hussein in power was one of Bill
Clinton's worst crimes?
Do you see no connection between US arming, training and funding of Afghan fundamentalists against the Soviets
and the same people now using the same weapons and same rhetoric against the US?
Do you believe there has been no genuine art produced since 1900?
Do you oppose all abortions but support spending trillions of dollars on weapons that would annihilate most
life on the planet?
When you accuse the Democrats of selling out to China, did you overlook the chairman of the Republican party
receiving suitcases full of cash in Hong Kong Harbor at the same time?
Do you think hunters, developers and industrialists care about preserving nature?
Do you claim there is no clear evidence for global warming but oppose significant research programs to examine
the issue, and focus on the uncertainties instead of the evidence?
Do you think all government programs are socialist stupidity, except for the ones that give you mortgage subsidies,
farm subsidies, grazing rights, water subsidies, electricity subsidies, weather forecasts, pensions and health
care, highways and bridges…?
Is prison construction the only valid government building project?
Do you believe Timothy McVeigh went a bit overboard in his anti-government protest?
Do you rant about the decline of the educational system, but oppose any system of tests that would actually
measure it?
Do you rant about the drug problem, but line up for your tobacco crop subsidy, savor your Scotch, and denounce
attempts to restrict advertising for tobacco and alcohol?
Do you think the federal tax code is a nightmare dreamed up by Democrats and the IRS rather than a morass of
tax breaks written by Republicans for their contributors?
Do you believe money is the same thing as free speech?
Do you believe Hillary Clinton is Satan? Why? Be specific.
Do you believe Ted Kennedy is Satan? Why? Be specific.
Is Jesse Helms the greatest Senator since Joe McCarthy?
Do you believe every military weapons system since the Maginot Line has been inadequately funded?
Do you think the Star Wars missile protection program is much more than a military contractor's wet dream?
Do you think it only has Republican support?
Do you think AIDS is caused by immorality?
Do you believe homosexuality is learned from perverts and predators, but racism is natural?
Do you believe there is no association of the Confederate flag with racism?
Do you believe there is Biblical support for democracy?
Do you think that since King James' English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for immigrants?
Do you believe land owners have a complete right to open pig farms, strip mines, strip malls, garbage incinerators
and/or oil refineries on their land without restrictions (except next to your house)?
Do you believe the government should pay you if its actions lower your property values, but that you owe nothing
if its actions benefit you? (Don't laugh - the wackos call this "Wise Use".)
Do you oppose gun control but support censorship, subsidies for religious schools, random drug tests…?
Would you prefer that women and Negroes could not vote?
Do you think that a Republican wrote this: "It could probably be shown, by facts and figures, that there
is no native American criminal class except Congress."